I know that I am not alone when I say that I sometimes fear change. Change can be scary. It's different than what you are used to. It takes you out of your comfort zone. Change can be good, change can be bad.
Tonight, for some reason, I can't stop thinking about change. I look at my life - me - who I am - what I want - and I am different. Different from who I used to be, yet I am still the same. Last year I tried to do one thing per month (starting in May) that scared me or that was different. And I did. I accomplished it. And some things were scarier than others. But some things weren't scary at all - just different. And I have changed. And I have discovered different is good. Change is good. So why is it so scary?
I have been looking for a new job for over a year now. Some months more than others. Some jobs more seriously than others. Some I thought "Hey, this would be fun" or "I'd be good at that" or "Yeah right, but hey, what's it gonna hurt." I got my hopes up a few times, only to not succeed. And only 2 have really made me a little sad about it. But I also realized that there were other really qualified candidates and it must not have been my time. I was offered one job. Told it was mine if I wanted it. And, who knows, maybe I should have taken it.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. What would have happened if I had taken that job? Who knows. But what would I have missed out on? I don't know that I would have had so many of the other cool experiences, met some of the really cool people that I have met, or changed who I am in quite the way I have if I had taken it. The guys I work with, they are amazing. And EVERY SINGLE ONE of them told me that I was crazy for not taking it (well, not my boss but all of my co-workers). Do I regret not taking it? No. Not really. I have learned to not regret things because they make us who we are.
Tonight, instead of applying for a job that I have looked at every night for the last 3 nights, I am writing. I think I'm scared that I might get this job. I am definitely qualified. I feel that I generally interview well. So what if I get it? How will I tell my boss? How will I tell my boys (the guys I work with, not my kids)? What if I don't like it? What if they don't like me? What if I fail? What if, what if, what if. These are the same issues I had for the last job that I was offered. This one, I haven't even applied for. I haven't interviewed. I haven't been offered the job. But here I sit. Worried about when I do. Because I feel I will. And then I have to make a life changing decision. Not only for me, but my family. And my best friends (which at this point, is the guys I work with).
Some of the decisions I made in the last year have caused me to lose 2 people who meant the world to me. Two people who were amazing people and best friends to me. Both have asked for no more communication from me. One of them, I understand. I get it. He is a married man and his wife doesn't like that we became such good friends. And as much as it sucks, I get it. Completely. I appreciate his friendship and everything he was to me, but I understand and I have let go. The other, I can't comprehend. I don't understand. I am at a loss and heartbroken. Still. It's been over 4 months and I still am sad about it. And as much as I hate this and don't understand it, I believe this is another lesson I will have to learn. I just haven't yet. Until then, I will try to mend myself and move forward. Because life is about change. About becoming who we are supposed to become.
So, all that rambling and a diversion from the original track, I feel that change is coming. And it scares me. The What If's have taken over. And it scares me. So do I try? Or do I stay in my comfort zone. Because awesome things could happen either way. Awesome people and experiences could come about either way. And change is good. Right?
Well, that's basically all... I felt I had to write. Had to share. Had to put my feelings down. And so I did. And now I share with you one of my favorite poems by my favorite poet, Shel Silverstein... WHATIF
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