You may or may not know that I struggle with depression. You may or may not know how I deal with said depression when I'm not medicated and in a "down" time. For some reason, I feel the need to explain. I found a blog that is EXTREMELY accurate (and kind of funny) in describing it. I think you should check it out by clicking on the picture below (taken from the blog). NOTE: It does have a little "offensive language"... You have been warned.
OR you can copy / paste this to your browser:http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
ANYWAY,
It seems as though I'm in a down part of my emotional roller coaster and have been for a few months. I will probably be up again soon. See, the thing about me is that I have the tendency to pretend I'm fine. I have the ability to smile and go to work, even though I just want to be at home and sleep and / or cry (for no stinking reason!) I only go places when I feel that I have to - like some moral obligation to be there for some reason or some person. I feel sad, even though there is NOTHING to be sad about.
My behavior to those I care about is probably less than desirable. I go through the motions. I go to work. I smile at the guys. I make small talk. I come home and cook dinner and help with homework. I put the kids to bed. And then I stop. I just lay there and stare at nothing. Or I pass out and sleep. Or I cry (again, for NO stinking reason!) I avoid communication with "the outside world" and thanks to modern day technology, I can hide behind this lovely computer or thru texts on my phone. It's easier to pretend you are your "normal, happy self" when people don't see / hear you. I don't go out with friends. I don't go out with my husband when he's home. I don't go out with my kids. I hide. I withdraw from others. I shut down.
In the blog post linked above (and in every picture I've borrowed from her site), it shows how she beats herself up with words and gets mad at herself because she knows she's being stupid. Yep. I do that too. I know that I'm doing things that are probably upsetting others. But how do you say "I'm just sad right now.... It's not you, it's me.... I like being your friend, but I don't want to do anything right now..." And I do worry about it because I hate hurting people's feelings and not being there for them when they might need me, but I don't DO anything about it. Because then they want to talk to you about it and make you better but I don't want to talk about it because there is nothing TO talk about. Just feeling sad for no reason. If there was a reason, it would be SO much easier!!!
And if I'm around people I have to pretend I'm okay. And I do that all day at work and it's exhausting. So exhausting that there have been times at work where I can't hide it and everyone thinks I'm sick and they tell me to go home. So exhausting that I've worked it out in my head that I just need to quit my job so I can be at home and just sleep. All day. And I almost HAVE quit to do exactly that. Then my logical side kicks in and slaps me in the face and tells me to knock it off and deal with it.
It's not like I don't have good moments. There are some days / times where everything is just fine. There are some days / times that I have fun. There are moments that make me genuinely smile. There are times that I'm ok.
But lately, I've been avoiding everything I can. And I don't know how to (or am too proud to?) go into a doctor and say "I'm not ok. I'm exhausted. And I'm sad. And I'm pissing myself off because I'm not ok, exhausted and sad." Last time I was on medication, it was my kids' doctor who noticed. He said "How are YOU doing? You seem a little worn down." Then I told him that I had constant thoughts of everything that could go wrong with my kids, my life, etc. Panic Attacks. Yay. (Those are scary and painful, by the way.) And I took meds. And I was ok. I got sad, but I didn't have pain because of stupid thoughts (panic attacks are painful!) I was just sort of numb. And could function. Except when I got sad. But I was home with the kids and had no down time to be sad. But anyway, this isn't about panic attacks....
So don't be offended. It's not you, it's me. It's nothing you've done. It's me and my stupid head. It's me being selfish and dumb and weird. I love you and I'm sorry I'm not there for you. I know I'm not being a good friend / sister / daughter / religious person. I realize that it seems like I'm avoiding you (and truth be told, I might be), but it isn't BECAUSE of you. It's because of me. It's because I hate pretending. I hate being "fine". I hate lying. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't have anything TO talk about. Nothing in particular is making me sad. Just me. Being sad. Feeling sorry for myself.
It seems as though I'm in a down part of my emotional roller coaster and have been for a few months. I will probably be up again soon. See, the thing about me is that I have the tendency to pretend I'm fine. I have the ability to smile and go to work, even though I just want to be at home and sleep and / or cry (for no stinking reason!) I only go places when I feel that I have to - like some moral obligation to be there for some reason or some person. I feel sad, even though there is NOTHING to be sad about.
My behavior to those I care about is probably less than desirable. I go through the motions. I go to work. I smile at the guys. I make small talk. I come home and cook dinner and help with homework. I put the kids to bed. And then I stop. I just lay there and stare at nothing. Or I pass out and sleep. Or I cry (again, for NO stinking reason!) I avoid communication with "the outside world" and thanks to modern day technology, I can hide behind this lovely computer or thru texts on my phone. It's easier to pretend you are your "normal, happy self" when people don't see / hear you. I don't go out with friends. I don't go out with my husband when he's home. I don't go out with my kids. I hide. I withdraw from others. I shut down.
In the blog post linked above (and in every picture I've borrowed from her site), it shows how she beats herself up with words and gets mad at herself because she knows she's being stupid. Yep. I do that too. I know that I'm doing things that are probably upsetting others. But how do you say "I'm just sad right now.... It's not you, it's me.... I like being your friend, but I don't want to do anything right now..." And I do worry about it because I hate hurting people's feelings and not being there for them when they might need me, but I don't DO anything about it. Because then they want to talk to you about it and make you better but I don't want to talk about it because there is nothing TO talk about. Just feeling sad for no reason. If there was a reason, it would be SO much easier!!!
And if I'm around people I have to pretend I'm okay. And I do that all day at work and it's exhausting. So exhausting that there have been times at work where I can't hide it and everyone thinks I'm sick and they tell me to go home. So exhausting that I've worked it out in my head that I just need to quit my job so I can be at home and just sleep. All day. And I almost HAVE quit to do exactly that. Then my logical side kicks in and slaps me in the face and tells me to knock it off and deal with it.
But lately, I've been avoiding everything I can. And I don't know how to (or am too proud to?) go into a doctor and say "I'm not ok. I'm exhausted. And I'm sad. And I'm pissing myself off because I'm not ok, exhausted and sad." Last time I was on medication, it was my kids' doctor who noticed. He said "How are YOU doing? You seem a little worn down." Then I told him that I had constant thoughts of everything that could go wrong with my kids, my life, etc. Panic Attacks. Yay. (Those are scary and painful, by the way.) And I took meds. And I was ok. I got sad, but I didn't have pain because of stupid thoughts (panic attacks are painful!) I was just sort of numb. And could function. Except when I got sad. But I was home with the kids and had no down time to be sad. But anyway, this isn't about panic attacks....
So don't be offended. It's not you, it's me. It's nothing you've done. It's me and my stupid head. It's me being selfish and dumb and weird. I love you and I'm sorry I'm not there for you. I know I'm not being a good friend / sister / daughter / religious person. I realize that it seems like I'm avoiding you (and truth be told, I might be), but it isn't BECAUSE of you. It's because of me. It's because I hate pretending. I hate being "fine". I hate lying. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't have anything TO talk about. Nothing in particular is making me sad. Just me. Being sad. Feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know what else to say, other than "I'm Sorry."
And I hope I'll be back to "normal" again soon.
Love,
Mandy
And I hope I'll be back to "normal" again soon.
Love,
Mandy
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1 comments:
you dont have to pretend around me. I hope that you know that and we wouldn't have to talk about anything. We dont have to do anything or go anywhere, we could just be, as long as its together unless thats not what your looking for either. And if going to a dr. makes it a little better than it couldn't hurt. ((Hugs))
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