Guilty Gratitude.

I am so thankful and humbled by all of the help we have received this past year. It always just completely amazes me. The kindness of family. The kindness of friends. The kindness of strangers.

Today I felt guilt with that gratitude.

There was a radio contest sort of thingy that we were nominated for. It was a Christmas "helping hand" sort of thing. And when I hear that, I sort of think of helping with Gifts - which is great. Which is appreciated, but totally not necessary. But still, pretty cool. So, we were one of the lucky ones, chosen to receive help this Christmas. Again, totally surprised and humbled and thankful.

The letter we received said that we get help with Groceries, Household Items, and Clothing and Shoes for each member of the family. SO, SO awesome. Jeremiah stayed home so that he could watch Archer's Christmas program at Preschool (which he totally didn't participate in at all!). Since he was home, we decided to go together because we didn't know if everyone had to be there or what. We went and it's awesome, but I feel SO guilty!

Our 'gifts' were at the Crossroads Urban Center in Salt Lake. I've heard of them before - I've actually donated money to them before. Never been there until today, though. It's basically a big OLD house in Salt Lake. I go in and it's so old and run down and just sad looking. There is a little lobby with a couple of families in there. These families were waiting for food donations from the food pantry there. They were in dirty sweats with holes in them. They were just there for food. I go into a little room where a lady who works there looks at my paperwork and verifies that my kids do actually exist (thank you, Medicaid card). She makes sure that I am on Food Stamps and WIC (I am, thank you government). She then tells me that I will be receiving a few bags of food that people have donated there. She also gave me 2 gift certificates valued at $25 each to Smiths. Then she tells me that I get to go to the Crossroads Thrift Store and pick out clothing for our family. She gives me an address and tells me that I will also get gift certificates for NEW shoes for the kids. I thank her and a man who looks homeless helps me to my car with 2 bags of donated groceries.

We go to the thrift store and inside, the lady is super nice. She tells me to pick out 3 shirts, 3 pants, and a pair of shoes for each person in our family. This was the smallest little thrift store I have ever been in. I don't think I saw any pants that would fit anyone in my family and only a few shirts that would fit the boys. Since we really are okay on clothes, so I told her that. She asked if we had some toys for our kids and I thanked her and said that we had a few. She told me to wait at the counter while she went into the back room. She brought out 3 pairs of socks and 3 pairs of underwear (brand new) for each kid. She then gave me a gift certificate for each kid to Payless for $20 towards a new pair of shoes. She told me that if we felt we needed anything to just come back in to the main office (where we went first) and they could help us out with clothing. AND, while I was there there were 2 families that were either dirt poor or homeless there. There was one person there that I am sure they were homeless.

Okay, so I know that our money is tight and we aren't quite making bills, but we have luxuries. We still have a few things that are 'wants' as part of our bills. We have satelight. Jeremiah and I both still have our cellphone. I have the Internet. Those are all things that we really don't NEED, but that we really like and have grown accustom to. I also go to the gas station a little too often for my 'Humongous Cherry Coke'. I could give all those things up. If I had to, we could probably sell our house and find a cheaper place to live or an apartment. But we are hoping that 'this too shall pass' and we'll be back on our feet in no time.

I have a house to live in. I love my neighbors. I love my life. Honestly, I know that I am blessed. I know that I have friends and family who would do anything they could for me and my little family. We are (for the most part) healthy. We are okay.

These people weren't. And I feel like I took things away from them that they NEED and I don't. We're making it food wise. We have a stocked panty, fridge and freezer. I get groceries from WIC and I have Food Stamps. My husband is getting unemployment! My kids have shoes. More shoes than most kids their age do, probably! My kids have clothes. Lots of clothes. I'm thinking that some of these people didn't. A lady in the thrift store was really excited to be getting new underwear.

I have a warm house. I have a comfortable bed. I have books and a tv and a DVD player. I have family, friends and neighbors who help out so much. I have so many luxuries. I have so much that some don't. And I feel guilty. Grateful for the love and the help and the generousity, but I feel guilty because I know that I don't need it like others do...

So, thank you 94.1 KODJ and Crossroads Urban Center. I am so grateful for your generousity. I will be donating to you again, once I am more financially stable. If I lived closer, I would also volunteer my time. I'd even learn Spanish for you. I appreciate the Gift Certificates. The $50 to Smiths will be spent on gas, catfood and toilet paper. Food Stamps don't buy those items. My kids will be really excited about the new pair of shoes. We're going to try and take them before Christmas so that they get shoes for Christmas. That will make it about 4 Christmas presents for each this year. :) I appreciate your help.

But I feel guilty. I think that I might go down to the homeless shelter here in Utah County and give them blankets, dishes, toys, food. Things that I have that I don't need. Something that might make someone else feel better. Be stronger. Help them to exisit and hopefully get a better quality of life. I want to help. I want to serve. I want to show my love and appreciation. And I challenge you to do the same.