Trying...

You may or may not know that I struggle with depression. You may or may not know how I deal with said depression when I'm not medicated and in a "down" time. For some reason, I feel the need to explain. I found a blog that is EXTREMELY accurate (and kind of funny) in describing it. I think you should check it out by clicking on the picture below (taken from the blog). NOTE: It does have a little "offensive language"... You have been warned.

OR you can copy / paste this to your browser:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

ANYWAY,
It seems as though I'm in a down part of my emotional roller coaster and have been for a few months. I will probably be up again soon. See, the thing about me is that I have the tendency to pretend I'm fine. I have the ability to smile and go to work, even though I just want to be at home and sleep and / or cry (for no stinking reason!) I only go places when I feel that I have to - like some moral obligation to be there for some reason or some person. I feel sad, even though there is NOTHING to be sad about.


My behavior to those I care about is probably less than desirable. I go through the motions. I go to work. I smile at the guys. I make small talk. I come home and cook dinner and help with homework. I put the kids to bed. And then I stop. I just lay there and stare at nothing. Or I pass out and sleep. Or I cry (again, for NO stinking reason!) I avoid communication with "the outside world" and thanks to modern day technology, I can hide behind this lovely computer or thru texts on my phone. It's easier to pretend you are your "normal, happy self" when people don't see / hear you. I don't go out with friends. I don't go out with my husband when he's home. I don't go out with my kids. I hide. I withdraw from others. I shut down.

In the blog post linked above (and in every picture I've borrowed from her site), it shows how she beats herself up with words and gets mad at herself because she knows she's being stupid. Yep. I do that too. I know that I'm doing things that are probably upsetting others. But how do you say "I'm just sad right now.... It's not you, it's me.... I like being your friend, but I don't want to do anything right now..." And I do worry about it because I hate hurting people's feelings and not being there for them when they might need me, but I don't DO anything about it. Because then they want to talk to you about it and make you better but I don't want to talk about it because there is nothing TO talk about. Just feeling sad for no reason. If there was a reason, it would be SO much easier!!!

And if I'm around people I have to pretend I'm okay. And I do that all day at work and it's exhausting. So exhausting that there have been times at work where I can't hide it and everyone thinks I'm sick and they tell me to go home. So exhausting that I've worked it out in my head that I just need to quit my job so I can be at home and just sleep. All day. And I almost HAVE quit to do exactly that. Then my logical side kicks in and slaps me in the face and tells me to knock it off and deal with it.

It's not like I don't have good moments. There are some days / times where everything is just fine. There are some days / times that I have fun. There are moments that make me genuinely smile. There are times that I'm ok.

But lately, I've been avoiding everything I can. And I don't know how to (or am too proud to?) go into a doctor and say "I'm not ok. I'm exhausted. And I'm sad. And I'm pissing myself off because I'm not ok, exhausted and sad." Last time I was on medication, it was my kids' doctor who noticed. He said "How are YOU doing? You seem a little worn down." Then I told him that I had constant thoughts of everything that could go wrong with my kids, my life, etc. Panic Attacks. Yay. (Those are scary and painful, by the way.) And I took meds. And I was ok. I got sad, but I didn't have pain because of stupid thoughts (panic attacks are painful!) I was just sort of numb. And could function. Except when I got sad. But I was home with the kids and had no down time to be sad. But anyway, this isn't about panic attacks....

So don't be offended. It's not you, it's me. It's nothing you've done. It's me and my stupid head. It's me being selfish and dumb and weird. I love you and I'm sorry I'm not there for you. I know I'm not being a good friend / sister / daughter / religious person. I realize that it seems like I'm avoiding you (and truth be told, I might be), but it isn't BECAUSE of you. It's because of me. It's because I hate pretending. I hate being "fine". I hate lying. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't have anything TO talk about. Nothing in particular is making me sad. Just me. Being sad. Feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know what else to say, other than "I'm Sorry."
And I hope I'll be back to "normal" again soon.
Love,
Mandy

Dead Computer...

Not trying to go into hiding again... Robyn just fried our computer somehow (or at least we assume it was Robyn). But never fear - my friend Heather's husband Paul is an awesome computer guy and he's saving it! And he says that I will still have all my pictures and music (YAY!) so I shall resume blogging soon (I hope!)
Loves!

One (collage) photo for ya...

I promise... I'm gonna post a couple of blogs on the family (and hopefully even on THIS) blog in the next few days... I'm working on getting some awesome pictures together.... AND, since this is MY blog where I can be all about me, I give you a cute collage of "Smith Girls Day" (because I'm an adopted Smith, don't you know...)

Bad mood.

For some reason, I came home from work in a bad mood. And everything is driving me crazy. I have no idea why.

Upstairs neighbor kids and their friends were making paper airplanes and throwing them all over the yard and having a fantastic time doing so. Are they hurting anything? No. So why did I want to scream and yell and strangle them? No idea. I just made my kids go inside so I didn't have to sit outside.

Then I feed all 3 kids a different meal. Easy ones. Without really even talking to them. A bowl of cereal, a bowl of ramen and whatever Tanion had. Did I feed Tanion? Hell, I don't even know...

And I talk to my sister on the phone - who is sick with a nasty cold. She called to make sure I didn't care that she had a cold when she comes to watch my kids so that I could go to Bon Jovi on Tuesday. SO what do I do? Do I ask how Kaylee is doing with her cold and double ear infection? Nope. I lecture her on why she shouldn't be moving so quickly with her new boyfriend because I think she likes him because he doesn't care that she's still obsessive over Sean. Awesome, Mandy. Real supportive.

And THEN I tell the kids that they really need to clean their room cuz I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to yell at them (fair warning, right?) So I decided to throw in the whole "If you do, I'll take you to McDonald's Playland to play" - not thinking that they actually WILL clean their room and I'll have to follow thru. So what do they do? They freaking clean their room! And am I happy about it? NO! Now I have to go sit at McDonald's Playland by myself for the next hour.

SO all of these things that aren't bad (and are even actually kind of good) are making me angry. For no apparent reason. Which makes me even more angry...

***sigh***

Time to buck up and be my normally happy self and get me some McDonald's for dinner and watch the kiddos have fun. Maybe it'll cheer me up.

I want, I Want, I WANT!!!

I was feeling quite crappy this morning and called in sick. Around 10:30am, I started feeling better and decided to catch up my blog-surfing (and maybe even writing!)... A blog I follow mentioned this wonderful site: www.perpetualkid.com/

Here are some of the ever so delightful items you can find there...

SNOOPY SNO-CONE MACHINE

My Grandma Bagley had one of these at her house when we lived with her (so 1987/1988?). I LOVED this thing. And I want one ($16.99 ). My birthday IS coming up... Just sayin...

MONSTER HAND TATTOOS
How cool are these tattoos?!
Can't you just see my boys running around "eating" each other with their hand monsters? Awesome. :)

NinjaBread Men
Yes, please!
How cool are these cookie cutters?
My boys would LOVE it!

Smiley face ice cube tray

YAY! :) I'm all about smiley faces!!

And last, but absolutely in NO WAY least....

Mario Room Decals

Basically a giant sticker that you can put on your walls to make it look like the Super Mario video game. Someday, I will have these. You mark my words! Too spendy for me now ($70.00 for three 26"*40" sheets) but I will. When I can live in my whole house, there's gonna be a game room. And this will be my decor.

SO, have you checked out their site yet?
It's addicting!
Don't forget to click the link!!!
http://www.perpetualkid.com/

Hungry...

NOTE: This is not me.

This is my friend Beeno (aka Robyn) - when she was pregnant with TWINS. This is the picture I look at when I'm sad because she looks so stinking CUTE! and I love prego belly pictures. Doesn't she look like the happiest, most awesomely pregnant lady in the world? She's partially why MY baby is named Robyn, you know...

NOTE #2: I am not in any way, shape or form announcing a baby is in our future. We are done having babies. Now, you may continue reading...

NOTE #3: This post is basically, mostly for me. I just felt like writing while the hubby is playing video games...

So lately, I've been obsessed with Baby Bellys. I live in Provo where EVERY girl around me is pregnant. Honestly, it's true. In my Primary, I think all of our husband/wife teachers are pregnant right now with the exception of 1 (maybe 2) couples. My backyard neighbor is pregnant. My side neighbor just had a baby (like last week). My upstairs neighbor had her baby back in June, but she's still a baby! I have a whole bunch of friends on Facebook who are pregnant right now and I just keep going back to their page to look at their pregnancy pictures... (Yeah, it's bad...)

My baby is 3. She's my last. She's forever my baby. And while I'm happy to see her grow and happy to give away all of my 'baby' things and move on to life with older kids, I'm kinda sad.

I love being pregnant. It's the coolest thing in the world. You GROW an actual little person. You can feel them move inside you! Sometimes you can even see your stomach (and this little person) move from side to side and kick! And you get this awesome stomach that isn't a "Wow, you should lose some weight" stomach, but an "Aw! That's so cool, can I feel it?" stomach. And you get to think about baby names and plan for a baby room and get to be a center of all this excitement. Because you are growing a tiny person. The coolest little miracle ever. And I love it. Even the sickness, because you are sick for a reason. And that reason is amazing.

Another thing, I love babies (and I mean, come on, who doesn't!) I love to hold them and snuggle with them and to watch them eat and to hear them laugh and see them smile...... I just love the baby stage. And before you know it, they are crawling. And before you know it, they are walking, and running and talking back and getting too big!!! DANG IT! It is fun watching them discover all these neat things that they can do, but I love that baby stage.

**Sigh**

Jeremiah and I are done. He was ready to get 'fixed' after we had Robyn, but I was not sure. (I had this whole, 'but I feel like I have another baby out there' stage, but I got over that.) So I have some fantastic, no worries type birth control until after Robyn turns 5. Then we go from there (sorry if that is too much info...) but that'll probably just mean we try other birth control or have Jeremiah get 'fixed'. And, honestly, I'm okay with that. I'm perfectly happy with having 3 kids. But there is something in the air (or water!) here and it makes me want to have a baby again. And after checking out pregnancy pictures for the last 2 1/2 hours, it makes me crave it a little.... That and the fact that my kids are at Grandma Hardman's house for the weekend and I'm not having to constantly deal with drama and attitude the KIDS bring on - that might be a factor. :)

So for now, I'm just a little baby hungry... This, too, shall pass.

"Justin Bieber IS actually gay."

This is Justin Bieber.
And for some reason, I can't stand the kid.
It's nothing personal -
Heck, I don't even know why -
I just don't like him.
(for those of you who don't know, he's this little music star whom,
if I was like 20 years younger, I would probably be in love with - but I'm not.
I'm 30 years old and I can't stand him.)

So Tanion comes home from my friend Heather's house tonight and he's singing "Baby, Baby, Baby, OH" and I recognize it as an off-key version of a song by Justin Bieber. And I look at him strange. He says "What? It's just the 'Baby' song from Justin Bieber."

And me, being the person who is ANTI-BIEBER and hasn't listened to that song EVER by choice (and only partially once that I can think of on accident while at the skating rink), look at him and ask "Where did you hear that song? And how do you know who sings it?!"

He informs me that today at school was a talent show and he heard it TWICE. And now it's stuck in his head and he actually kind of likes it and he wants me to buy him the Kid Bop CD with that song on it. ("Remember, Mom? It's on that TV commercial and it goes, 'Baby, Baby, Baby, OH!'")

I tell him NO on the CD because I don't like Justin Bieber... And he asks why. I have no answer to that question, other than I just don't. Then he asks, "Is it because he's gay?" So I am FLAT-LINED at that. I have NO idea on how to respond or where he heard that or came up with that or whatnot... I kind of stumble over my words and he says "Cuz you know, Mom, Justin Bieber IS actually gay."

So, we all get in the car and I ask Tanion who told him Justin Bieber was gay. He says "Oh, Oliver said that he is gay" and I ask if Oliver (his little friend from school) said that HE is gay or that Justin Bieber is gay. He clarifies that Oliver said that Justin Bieber is gay and that Oliver would know because Oliver is smart and 'he knows that "Baby, Baby, Baby, OH" song'.

So I ask, "Do you know what gay means, buddy?" and he sits for a second and sort of ho-hums about a few things and gives up and says "No. Not really, I guess. What is gay anyway, Mom?"

So, my explanation was "Well, if someone is gay and they are a boy, it means that they like other boys and want to marry a boy. And if someone is gay and they are a girl, it means they like other girls and want to marry a girl." He sits there for a second and proclaims, "Well, Mom, I'm not gay. I want to marry Shandy and she's a girl." (haha!)

Then he asks why a boy would want to marry another boy... And I said 'some just do and that's okay because people should be happy and we should be nice to everyone'. Then I threw in that it's not nice to call people gay cuz it could make them sad or mad. He seemed happy with that little talk and ending and starting singing that darned "BABY" song again! (Dang you, Justin Bieber and your catchy little song!)

Is it weird that I'm having this discussion with my 7-year-old? I don't think I'm ready to talk about birds and bees and sexuality! YIKES! But I do hope he is tolerant and kind to others. I hope that he doesn't get into the labeling and the finger pointing. I hope he turns out to be a good boy who is nice to everyone. Regardless if they are straight, gay or Justin Bieber fans.

(And here's the darn video to that darn song - just in case you wanted to get it stuck in your head - even though I'm not going to listen to it or watch it... and you'll probably have to double click on the video to be able to see the whole thing..

Gratitude

Today is Thankful kind of day for me...

Today I read about 2 separate friends who have had some health scares with their new babies (and I can attest that nothing is more frightening for a parent than the thought of losing your little one.) I also have a friend who is going through a health scare of her own and feeling very lost and scared. I am so grateful for my health and the health of my family...

I was able to make it to Sacrament today. I forgot the peaceful feeling you can get from a meeting full of people sharing their testimony of God and Christ and the goodness in this world. A testimony is made from your faith, health, love, strength and everything else that makes you YOU - being tested. The choices you make when faced with crisis.

I am thankful for the trials (and the outcomes!) in my life. I am thankful for the choices that I have made when faced with many of those trials. And I am thankful for the people who have gone through those trials by my side and holding my hand.

You mean so much to me that I will never be able to thank you enough.

Loves, Mandy.