Blah-Humbug

I hate when I feel like I have today. Just *blah*


I don't want to move. I don't want to be awake or get dressed or go grocery shopping or do laundry or dishes or clean or any of that. I don't want to look at bills or realize how broke I am or anything like that either. I don't want to call collection agencies, hospitals, medicaid, Cardon, more hospitals and doctor offices. I don't want to ask people for money so that I don't lose my house.

So what did I do today?
Pretty much all of that.
Dang it...

Tomorrow I should feel better. Tonight, I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll finally post pictures of Christmas or something.

Tears

I've cried a lot lately. I've been on one big emotional roller coaster for some reason!

This morning, I opened the mail from yesterday to find 6 (yes 6!) letters from collection agencies. Six.

I called the Law Firm / Collection Agency ones (5 of the 6) first - they were all with the same company. I explained that I was waiting for a decision from Disability Medicaid to come thru before I made payments to the Pediatric Radiology. The lady was very polite (I would HATE her job!) but explained that she is sorry but that I now have to pay the collection charges on top of the medical bills. That means instead of $600, we owe $900. Just for someone to look at Robyn's Echo's and interpret them. Gulp. I hung up and cried.

Then I called the one that the hospital still had, but that it was in their collections department. It was for the Life Flight Bill. Eight THOUSAND dollars after they already wrote off $2000 of it. They said that I had to make at least the minimum payment of $120 in the next 30 days or they would send us to a collection agency, who can charge up to 50% of what we owe. SO... yeah. I was starting to cry on the phone with her and I'm sure she could tell... When I hung up, I cried again.

I called Jeremiah, explained to him what had happened and cried again.

My kids were playing with some friends while I made those phone calls, so when their mom came over to grab them, I told her about my morning and cried again (just a little that time).

On another side of this, though, there are other tears... Good tears.

*Today our Relief Society President came over to my house with a gift from 'some members of our ward' who wanted to give us something for Christmas. Try $180 somethings. Gift Cards. I cried. So whomever you are, if you find my blog by accident, please know that I am so thankful for your kindness, your thoughts, your love. Thank you. SO MUCH...

*A few days ago, my Visiting Teacher came over with gifts for my whole little family. And a gift card. Honestly, there aren't words. Thank you Jones family. You amaze me. You made me cry happy tears.

*I opened a Christmas card from a high school work friend who I have reconnected with thanks to Facebook. More money. She bought Santa Christmas for my kids. I don't know if that was her purpose with the money, but that is what I bought with it. Thank you, Emily. You made me cry happy tears too.

*My Grandma Rea called me today just to tell me that he loves me and how absolutely wonderful I am. And I cried. I teared up on the phone but I don't know if she could tell. Thanks Grandma. :)

*My sister's birthday was Monday. We went to her house to celebrate Christmas together as a family and to celebrate her birthday because all she wanted was to spend her birthday with her family. Sean was home. He was dazed and looked SO skinny, but he was home. And that's what she wanted. I watched them sit together and her have to help him with medicines. She is SO strong. (And yeah, I cried on my way home...) But I'm glad that she got what she wanted for her birthday.

*I just cried writing about all of this.



So, please know how truly thankful, appreciative, grateful I am. I am amazed everyday by the love, the strength, the friendship, the desire to give that others have. Our family is so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Thank you. Merry Christmas. I love you.

Guilty Gratitude.

I am so thankful and humbled by all of the help we have received this past year. It always just completely amazes me. The kindness of family. The kindness of friends. The kindness of strangers.

Today I felt guilt with that gratitude.

There was a radio contest sort of thingy that we were nominated for. It was a Christmas "helping hand" sort of thing. And when I hear that, I sort of think of helping with Gifts - which is great. Which is appreciated, but totally not necessary. But still, pretty cool. So, we were one of the lucky ones, chosen to receive help this Christmas. Again, totally surprised and humbled and thankful.

The letter we received said that we get help with Groceries, Household Items, and Clothing and Shoes for each member of the family. SO, SO awesome. Jeremiah stayed home so that he could watch Archer's Christmas program at Preschool (which he totally didn't participate in at all!). Since he was home, we decided to go together because we didn't know if everyone had to be there or what. We went and it's awesome, but I feel SO guilty!

Our 'gifts' were at the Crossroads Urban Center in Salt Lake. I've heard of them before - I've actually donated money to them before. Never been there until today, though. It's basically a big OLD house in Salt Lake. I go in and it's so old and run down and just sad looking. There is a little lobby with a couple of families in there. These families were waiting for food donations from the food pantry there. They were in dirty sweats with holes in them. They were just there for food. I go into a little room where a lady who works there looks at my paperwork and verifies that my kids do actually exist (thank you, Medicaid card). She makes sure that I am on Food Stamps and WIC (I am, thank you government). She then tells me that I will be receiving a few bags of food that people have donated there. She also gave me 2 gift certificates valued at $25 each to Smiths. Then she tells me that I get to go to the Crossroads Thrift Store and pick out clothing for our family. She gives me an address and tells me that I will also get gift certificates for NEW shoes for the kids. I thank her and a man who looks homeless helps me to my car with 2 bags of donated groceries.

We go to the thrift store and inside, the lady is super nice. She tells me to pick out 3 shirts, 3 pants, and a pair of shoes for each person in our family. This was the smallest little thrift store I have ever been in. I don't think I saw any pants that would fit anyone in my family and only a few shirts that would fit the boys. Since we really are okay on clothes, so I told her that. She asked if we had some toys for our kids and I thanked her and said that we had a few. She told me to wait at the counter while she went into the back room. She brought out 3 pairs of socks and 3 pairs of underwear (brand new) for each kid. She then gave me a gift certificate for each kid to Payless for $20 towards a new pair of shoes. She told me that if we felt we needed anything to just come back in to the main office (where we went first) and they could help us out with clothing. AND, while I was there there were 2 families that were either dirt poor or homeless there. There was one person there that I am sure they were homeless.

Okay, so I know that our money is tight and we aren't quite making bills, but we have luxuries. We still have a few things that are 'wants' as part of our bills. We have satelight. Jeremiah and I both still have our cellphone. I have the Internet. Those are all things that we really don't NEED, but that we really like and have grown accustom to. I also go to the gas station a little too often for my 'Humongous Cherry Coke'. I could give all those things up. If I had to, we could probably sell our house and find a cheaper place to live or an apartment. But we are hoping that 'this too shall pass' and we'll be back on our feet in no time.

I have a house to live in. I love my neighbors. I love my life. Honestly, I know that I am blessed. I know that I have friends and family who would do anything they could for me and my little family. We are (for the most part) healthy. We are okay.

These people weren't. And I feel like I took things away from them that they NEED and I don't. We're making it food wise. We have a stocked panty, fridge and freezer. I get groceries from WIC and I have Food Stamps. My husband is getting unemployment! My kids have shoes. More shoes than most kids their age do, probably! My kids have clothes. Lots of clothes. I'm thinking that some of these people didn't. A lady in the thrift store was really excited to be getting new underwear.

I have a warm house. I have a comfortable bed. I have books and a tv and a DVD player. I have family, friends and neighbors who help out so much. I have so many luxuries. I have so much that some don't. And I feel guilty. Grateful for the love and the help and the generousity, but I feel guilty because I know that I don't need it like others do...

So, thank you 94.1 KODJ and Crossroads Urban Center. I am so grateful for your generousity. I will be donating to you again, once I am more financially stable. If I lived closer, I would also volunteer my time. I'd even learn Spanish for you. I appreciate the Gift Certificates. The $50 to Smiths will be spent on gas, catfood and toilet paper. Food Stamps don't buy those items. My kids will be really excited about the new pair of shoes. We're going to try and take them before Christmas so that they get shoes for Christmas. That will make it about 4 Christmas presents for each this year. :) I appreciate your help.

But I feel guilty. I think that I might go down to the homeless shelter here in Utah County and give them blankets, dishes, toys, food. Things that I have that I don't need. Something that might make someone else feel better. Be stronger. Help them to exisit and hopefully get a better quality of life. I want to help. I want to serve. I want to show my love and appreciation. And I challenge you to do the same.

For my sister...

Growing up, my sister Colleenia (Keen) and I didn't get along too well. I don't know if it was sibling rivalry or what. We actually had fist punching, hair pulling, really bad and mean fights. There was some weird competition or something. Even when I moved out and she still lived at home, there was tension. Not as bad, but there was still something there where it just seemed like we didn't get along or something. Don't know what it was...

But now? Now it's different.

She is one of the most kind-hearted people I know. She is also one of the strongest people I know.


Keen got married in 2003 to Sean Kranendonk, when my DarTanion was only a month old. He's always been Uncle Sean. The kids love him. Sean is an only child from a broken home. He's a little needy for my liking, but that's the kind of guy Colleenia needs. Someone to need her, to want her and to love her. And Sean does that.


They had a little girl, Kaylee, in December 2006. Since Sean's Dad wasn't around growing up, Sean decided that he was going to be the BEST Dad to that little girl - and he is. And Colleenia is a fantastic mom. Kaylee is spoiled and cute and completely loved.

In early 2008, Sean was diagnosed with Cancer. Lots of it filled his body. It was in his stomach, his esophagus, and trying to get all over in to the rest of his torso. Outlook was grim. The doctors were baffled because this kind of cancer doesn't usually affect young, healthy guys. It's an older man type of cancer. But he had it and was going to live through it!

He went thru Chemo and Radiation. He was sick all the time. He still tried to work on his non-Chemo weeks to support his little family. Colleenia took on a second waitress job to bring in more money for the doctor bills. Life was tough, but they were making it. They still tried to do things together as a family. They still spent time together. Colleenia would try and be there for every doctor appointment and Kaylee was never left at a stranger's house to be baby sat. They faced it together. They didn't want to talk about the 'what if'....

Sean seemed to be in remission at the end of 2008. Things seemed okay. We were all excited and hopeful! But in the beginning of 2009, test came back showing that the cancer had came back. More quickly than it should have. More rampant than before.

Sean has been battling hard all year. Lots more Chemo, radiation, medicines, surgeries.... He had his stomach removed to avoid the cancer spreading. It still spread. He can't eat much now, but even when he does, he just pukes it back up. It makes him more sick. Sean has said that he can feel his body shutting down.

For the last month, Sean has been in the hospital. He's been really sick. His temperature has gone up and down into the scary ranges of each. Doctors don't know what has been causing it. They are baffled again. He has been so weak, that he can't even go to the bathroom by himself. They don't know what has been making him so sick. They think he may have an infection inside him, but they've been unable to locate it. He's been transferred back and forth from the University of Utah Hospital and Huntsman Cancer Institute. The outlook isn't good...

This whole time, Colleenia has been by his side. She didn't necessarily quit her jobs, but just told them the circumstance and said that she is sorry, but that she has to be with him. They are understanding, which has been really nice, but the only money coming in now is her AVON money...

Sean doesn't want to be alone and Colleenia doesn't want to leave him. She will take a couple hours each week to go home, pay bills and make sure that their house is still there, but then she goes right back to the hospital. She has actually also taken some time to go to my parents house to see Kaylee. Kaylee is living with Grandma and Grandpa Barlow right now while Mom and Dad are at the hospital...

I can't imagine going through everything that they have gone through. I can't imagine the emotional drain it must be to watch the one you love slowly fade away. And for such hands on, attentive parents to not be able to see their little girl whenever they want, it must be killing them. Colleenia has stayed positive and encouraging since the beginning. I don't know what she'll do if he doesn't get better...

Keen is sort of my hero right now. She is always worrying about others when so much is going on in her life. She even called me to see if I needed anything for the kids for Christmas! (Don't worry about Kaylee's Christmas, Keen's a year round bargain shopper!) She doesn't like to ask for help. She is an amazing mom - Kaylee is well loved and well taken care of. She is the best waitress I know. Customers come and ask for her specifically. Some of her regulars have even offered to pay her bills while she's with Sean. Keen does SO much for so many people. She loves her husband and won't talk about the posibility of him not getting well. She tries to keep him motivated and his spirits up. I don't think I could do all she does. She's pretty much amazing.

Oh, I'm feeling it...

I'm not a Winter Person. Not a snow person. Not even really a Christmas-y type person. Usually, I'm just a Halloween Person. But this year, it's different.

Halloween came and left and I didn't make much of a fuss about it. I wasn't feeling it.

But Thanksgiving - you betcha! We made turkeys out of apples and oranges. We colored pictures of cornucopias, pilgrims, indians, turkeys, etc. I even made a turkey. I wrote a list of things I was very Thankful for. There are a lot of things that weren't listed, but there was a lot that was. I'm very Thankful this year.

This morning I woke up to snow. See?

My normal reaction to a snow day is CRAP. There is a lot of White Crap outside. As a matter of fact, Archer and DarTanion called it White Crap until last year when I told them to just call it snow. But today? Today I smiled. I found my kids warm clothes, coats and gloves. I pulled out their snow boots. I've cleaned my kitchen and am preparing to make banana bread from our bad bananas. I might even attempt fudge with candy canes in it. The plan is to put up our Christmas Tree tonight for Family Home Evening. Home made decorations, even. And I'm giddy. Totally excited for it.


I've been thinking about my 'mixed up' emotions about the holidays this year and I've come to a conclusion. Well, two actually.

Theory #1: I'm growing up. BAH!!!

Theory #2: I'm more in tune with my spiritual side this year.

Christmas isn't about gifts. This year I'm definitely realizing that! It's about a celebration of love for others. Service towards others. Giving to others. For us, this year, we have been on a huge recieving end of things. We've been blessed beyond our wildest dreams. I've felt closer to God and in more of a spirit to serve. I don't (generally) have the attitude or "Man, I don't want to do that" when I'm asked to help out or when I see an opportunity to do something. Instead, I get excited and really want to help out. Really want to do something nice.

Sister Sheri Knight (our Ward's Primary President) is amazing. I just love her. :) Yesterday she read a story during sharing time. It's called "God Bless Your Way". She read it last year and I remember thinking - that's a great story. I should buy it. Well, I didn't. When she read it yesterday, I was so touched by the spirit. The spirit of Christ. Of Christmas. Of giving and sharing and loving others - strangers. It was overwhelming. You know, when you tear up in Senior Primary, it's a scary thing because you don't want those kids to see you cry. But I did. I teared up and had to wipe my eyes a few time. As I looked at the kids in the room, they really seemed to basically be paying attention. But something that amazed me more? Our 2 Valiant Boy teachers were also crying a little. The MEN in the room were crying!!! They felt that spirit too. After Primary, one of them even came up to find out the title of the book because he 'needs to have that story'. It's really that amazing. You should buy it. I'm going to try to find a way to buy it for myself.

So this year, I'm feeling the TRUE Spirit of the season. I'm feeling grateful and spiritual and happy and blessed. I hope to express this to my kids. I hope to help them to feel the spirit of the season and really, truely KNOW the reason for Christmas. Christ.

I love you all.