Change and the Fear of Change

I know that I am not alone when I say that I sometimes fear change. Change can be scary. It's different than what you are used to. It takes you out of your comfort zone. Change can be good, change can be bad.

Tonight, for some reason, I can't stop thinking about change. I look at my life - me - who I am - what I want - and I am different. Different from who I used to be, yet I am still the same. Last year I tried to do one thing per month (starting in May) that scared me or that was different. And I did. I accomplished it. And some things were scarier than others. But some things weren't scary at all - just different. And I have changed. And I have discovered different is good. Change is good. So why is it so scary?

I have been looking for a new job for over a year now. Some months more than others. Some jobs more seriously than others. Some I thought "Hey, this would be fun" or "I'd be good at that" or "Yeah right, but hey, what's it gonna hurt."  I got my hopes up a few times, only to not succeed. And only 2 have really made me a little sad about it. But I also realized that there were other really qualified candidates and it must not have been my time. I was offered one job. Told it was mine if I wanted it. And, who knows, maybe I should have taken it.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. What would have happened if I had taken that job? Who knows. But what would I have missed out on? I don't know that I would have had so many of the other cool experiences, met some of the really cool people that I have met, or changed who I am in quite the way I have if I had taken it. The guys I work with, they are amazing. And EVERY SINGLE ONE of them told me that I was crazy for not taking it (well, not my boss but all of my co-workers). Do I regret not taking it? No. Not really. I have learned to not regret things because they make us who we are.

Tonight, instead of applying for a job that I have looked at every night for the last 3 nights, I am writing. I think I'm scared that I might get this job. I am definitely qualified. I feel that I generally interview well. So what if I get it? How will I tell my boss? How will I tell my boys (the guys I work with, not my kids)? What if I don't like it? What if they don't like me? What if I fail? What if, what if, what if.  These are the same issues I had for the last job that I was offered. This one, I haven't even applied for. I haven't interviewed. I haven't been offered the job. But here I sit. Worried about when I do. Because I feel I will. And then I have to make a life changing decision. Not only for me, but my family. And my best friends (which at this point, is the guys I work with).

Some of the decisions I made in the last year have caused me to lose 2 people who meant the world to me. Two people who were amazing people and best friends to me. Both have asked for no more communication from me. One of them, I understand. I get it. He is a married man and his wife doesn't like that we became such good friends. And as much as it sucks, I get it. Completely. I appreciate his friendship and everything he was to me, but I understand and I have let go. The other, I can't comprehend. I don't understand. I am at a loss and heartbroken. Still. It's been over 4 months and I still am sad about it. And as much as I hate this and don't understand it, I believe this is another lesson I will have to learn. I just haven't yet. Until then, I will try to mend myself and move forward. Because life is about change. About becoming who we are supposed to become.

So, all that rambling and a diversion from the original track, I feel that change is coming. And it scares me. The What If's have taken over. And it scares me. So do I try? Or do I stay in my comfort zone. Because awesome things could happen either way. Awesome people and experiences could come about either way. And change is good.  Right? 

Well, that's basically all... I felt I had to write. Had to share. Had to put my feelings down. And so I did. And now I share with you one of my favorite poems by my favorite poet, Shel Silverstein... WHATIF

xoxoxo, Mandy

Awesome Moment...

I've mentioned that I climbed the "Pucker Pole". Remember my last post (back in June 2012)? Well, I finally got the videos of that moment.  I'd given up on getting the video(s), but last night they were there in my Inbox... (YAY! Thanks, Matt Casper!)

Just watching that moment made me smile, feel the rush and get all sorts of giddy.  I wanted to share a few videos because it was a life changing moment for me. 

(If you are getting this via email, you'll probably have to go my blog site to see it...)

Made it to the top, trying to stand up

Finally standing, jumping and flying... :)

Honestly, this was such a neat experience for me. The fear and excitement and energy I felt... I need to find a way to do this again. I think it's time for me to start facing fears again. To start pushing my limits again. Because it can change me. And I like it.

Pushing myself... and succeeding!

I've been on a mission lately. A mission to make ME happy.  A mission to do things that I want to do.  I've been trying to challenge myself to do things that scare me or that I think are hard but I want to accomplish.  I have the drive right now to push myself and succeed.

Example #1 - Weight Loss.
I decided that I wanted to lose some weight. My ideal goal was 150lbs by the end of this year.  Here is it, June 17th, so half way through the year, and I'm at 153.5 lbs.  3-1/2 lbs to go and I'm there - half way through the year.  I know I'll be there - probably in the next few weeks. In 9 months, I have lost 25+ lbs.  SUCCESS! New goal? 140lbs by the end of the year. And I will do that.

Example #2 - Fire Walk.
You know that post a few weeks ago where I was completely awesome and totally walked on fire?  Yeah. I did that. For me. Because you are told you can't do that and that it's crazy. But you know what? You CAN do that. I did it. And I plan on doing it again soon!

Example #3 - The "Pucker Pole".
Back up at the same place where I did the fire walk, they have a ropes course. I can't go into all of the details. I can't tell you about all of the events that they have there without giving away the secrets. But I'm going to show you some awesome pictures of me on the "Pucker Pole" (I can't remember what the real name is because I just thought the name "pucker pole" was awesome...)

 The "Pucker Pole"

Did you know that I'm scared of heights? Yep. Just a little bit. So what did I do yesterday?  I went back to the place where I walked on fire last month to help out with a group and see what the ropes course was all about. The activities were all about the small group that was there, but they offered to let me try a few of the activities myself. After watching for over half of the day, I decided I wanted to try this one. For ME.

(Click on any of the pictures to make them bigger!)

Top to Bottom, Left to Right

Me Conquering the Pole

It's pretty simple, but it produced such an amazing feeling. Climbing up the ladder until it runs out. Then climbing up the pegs until you reach the disc. Then pulling yourself up. Then figuring out how to stand up on the disc when you are 26 feet (I think that's what they said?) in the air. Then stand there. With your arms out. Then jump at that ball. Hit it. Then float to the bottom (that's what it felt like to me - floating.)  And have people come over and hold you and tell you how awesome you are and how proud of you they are. And it's such a loving environment. No judgement. You are all there to deal with something. To conquer. Some things are more intense and personal. Or something more simplistic, like a fear of heights. Or just to prove to yourself that you CAN do it.   

(...and that was just 1 event!)

 Me coming down - see that smile? :)

Yesterday was an amazing day. I was able to watch people have these revelations of themselves. And to make connections / friendships with strangers. And to build their self confidence. To work together as a team and love each other so strongly. If one was struggling, they were all there to tell them it was okay or that they could do it - they have faith in them. They are stronger than they think. They CAN do it.

...Just a really amazing day...

I'm going to go work with them again because I WANT to.  They have asked me to help out again in the future and I can't wait. I want to see these people succeed. I want to see them have their break through. I want to be a part of their process. I want to support them in making their life count. I want to do this because it matters to ME. By seeing them push themselves, I will continue to push myself... and continue to succeed.

Getting to know me - 50 questions

I received an email from a girlfriend of mine and thought instead of answering it just for her, I would post my answers here (while I wait for my monkeys to go to sleep!)...


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
April or Amanda came from a character on one of my mom's soap operas. :) Mandy was the only name sent back from my parents' friend who was on a mission. So he named me. :)

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Probably last month-ish... I was having a hard time making a pretty big choice regarding my job...

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Meh... Sometimes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Roast Beef :)

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, Robyn age 4, Archer age 7 and Tanion age 8.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Absolutely! :) I am an amazing friend and fun to be around.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
I think I use it about as much as everyone else...

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yep

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Tonight? No. Sometime soon? I'm working up to it. Challenging myself with stuff that scares me is sort of my goal at the moment.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
It really depends on my mood - and what's in my cupboard!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Not usually.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, not so much.  Emotionally, generally. 

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Various coffee flavored ones...

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Smile

15. RED OR PINK?
Probably Pink... depends on the mood!

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Physically? depends on the day! 

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Right now, my Angie. She needs me and Florida is way to far away.

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Losing MY people (people I claim as my own). Family, friends, loved ones. I don't like thinking about what I would do without them.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I don't like wearing shoes - so none... But generally black and white.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
2 fun sized butterfingers... Angie was stressing - I was eating chocolate with her!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Neon Trees... They are my current musical obsession...

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Not sure - that would be a changing answer all the time for different reasons.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
fresh cut grass and fresh watermelon

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Angie

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Either. Can we leave right now?

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Dancing. I love talented dancers... Or if we're talking like "guy sports", pro football.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Reddish. Any shade. I like to switch it up but I love the look of red hair.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue-green. They like to change, depending on what I'm wearing.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yep. Blind without them or glasses.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Mexican or Italian - oh and soup. I love soup.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I used to love the scary movies, now I'm a happy ending kind of gal.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Muppets

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black tank top

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer all the way.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both! :)

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Depends on the reason... For any old day - Mocha Brownies :)

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Cardio

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Depends on what I need to do... I've not been watching as much TV lately. I've been reading more (one of my goals for the year...)

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The Breakaway by Michelle Davidson Argyle (holla!)

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No mouse pad... It's sad, really...


41. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY?
I like to think it's that I'm a forgiving and / or understanding person. I can relate to / get along with pretty much everyone.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Laughter

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Florida

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
hehehe.... Um... I can speak jibberish! :)

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Richfield, Utah


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Provo, Utah

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Red brick

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Black

50. WHAT IS THE COOLEST THING YOU HAVE DONE?
Probably walking on fire.

I walked on FIRE!!!

***NOTE: If you have read this before, you might noticed that I have taken some information out / edited it... They don't want you to know all about the fire walk. They want you to experience some of it yourself... SO... In order to do that, I'm giving you the condensed version instead... Still way awesome!***

I have this amazing friend named Steve. I work with him at USDC but he also has a personal investment in a business on the side that includes a rope course and a fire walk.  I love visiting with him about his "non-USDC" activities because he gets so passionate about it. His enthusiasm is entirely contagious. When he talks about something he loves like the ropes courses and fire walk, I just want to go out and experience it for myself. When Steve started talking about the fire walk, my first reaction was probably like yours.  "That sounds crazy!" but my thought also included "..but so awesome! I want to do that!"  I told Steve that I'd like to do that some day and on Wednesday, he gave me the chance. :)  

Me and my friend Steve

Steve let me know on Sunday that there was going to be a fire walk on Wednesday and that Jeremiah and I were invited. I immediately sent Jeremiah a text to call me when he went on break (because he was at work) and started calling for babysitters.  When Jeremiah called me 30 minutes later, I had babysitters found and was going to go - whether Jeremiah could or not! :)  Luckily, Jeremiah had just enough time off left and no one had Wednesday night already requested, so we were both able to go. For me, there was absolutely no question in my mind that I would walk. For Jeremiah, I think he was pretty sure he wouldn't but he agreed to go with me because it was important to me.

The fire walk was "taught" (I don't know what else to call it) by Dr. Cam Mosher. 

***VITAL INFORMATION ON WHAT HAPPENS PRIOR TO THE FIRE WALK HAS BEEN TAKEN OUT TO ALLOW YOU TO EXPERIENCE IT ALL FIRST HAND.  :) ***

Jeremiah and I after we walked on FIRE!

***AND BACK TO THE FIRE WALK PART...***

We all took turns breaking up the remaining fire into coals. You get to feel the extreme heat coming off of the coals as you are breaking it up with shovels.  (I have to admit, it made me a little nervous!) When it was all broken up and spread out, it was time to walk.

Now, I didn't want to be the first person in the group of 21 (plus 5 or 6 facilitators, including my friend Steve) to walk, but I knew I wouldn't be the last, either. Throughout the night, I kept asking Jeremiah if he wanted to walk with me or if he was ready and he kept saying he didn't know if he was going to walk. I had told him that either way, it was entirely up to him but that I was going to do it with or without him. :) When they gave us the "go", there were a few different small groups of people who got up to the carpet where you start and they just stood there for about 1 minute - getting themselves ready. By the time they actually walked, I was ready to go! I was getting excited and ready and before they walked I wanted to just push them out of the way and say "Let me just do it!" Finally they walked and others filtered in.  

I have no idea how long I waited before walking up to it. I had asked Jeremiah one last time if he was going to go with me and he said not yet, so I went. I don't think I stood on the carpet before the coals for very long before I stepped onto them, but who knows! I know that I looked across the coals and my friend Steve was there cheering me on.  I looked down at the coals and just thought to myself "Ok, I'm going to do this now" and before I knew it, I was on the other side. :)  I was a little surprised at how it didn't burn at all. I had expected to feel the heat and a fire, but I didn't.  Just a feeling of peace and a desire to do it again. So I did!  

I went back to Jeremiah and told him it was fine and it didn't hurt at all and asked if he wanted to try. After a few minutes, he decided he did want to walk.  So we stood on the carpet, hand in hand, counted to 3 and and we walked across together. He felt a little heat but said that it felt more like an itch than fire. I asked him if he wanted to do it again, but he said that once was enough for him - he had proved to himself that he could do it. I told Jeremiah to take pictures because I wanted to walk again.

Video of Jeremiah and I walking...

I asked Steve if he was going to walk and he said he decided he was going to so we walked over to the front of the fire. When Steve stood on the carpet to go across, he looked at me and asked if I was coming with him. I'm sure I said something like "sure" or "absolutely" and I stood next to him. I asked if he wanted to hold my hand (like everyone else who went across with someone else) and he said sure. So, I took his hand, we counted to 3 and then we walked across.

 

Jeremiah, Steve and I were visiting and took a few pictures when Cam said that everyone seemed to have an opportunity to cross. He said if you have a feeling that you need to go again, here is your chance before we end our night.  I looked at Jeremiah and told him that I was going to go one more time.  I walked over to the carpet and remember thinking what a great experience the night had been. I remember taking a deep breath and after letting it out, I walked for the 4th and final time for the night. It felt great. Total feeling of peace.

My final time across the coals

We had our final circle as a group where people were able to share their experience. For some, it life changing. For me, it was just amazing. Amazing that I could walk on fire (or to experience the motto of the company - "The impossible is possible"). Amazing to feel a connection to people I had just met.  Amazing to feel the bond I felt with my friend. Amazing to be the strong / brave one in my marriage. Just amazing.

The more I have thought about the night over the last few days, the more I want to do it again. I want to experience it all again. I want to have other people experience it. I want to sit down and do the team building activities with different people in my life. I want to know what makes them who they are. I want to see them panic before they walk and cheer after they do.

SO... who's in? :)

 

If you want to know more, you can always email me but I thought I would link Cam Mosher's website (www.iwalkedonfire.com) as well as a few YouTube videos about the fire walk experience...  

30 Second Video:    http://youtu.be/7uwrAnosvSA  

3ish Minute Video:  http://youtu.be/HFgg18CmtmI

Love you all!

~Mandy~

Reminder: Take it one day at a time.

While working on my Visiting Teaching "assignment" tonight, I came across this wonderful little reminder...

"Thoughtful planning and preparation are key to a rewarding future, but we do not live in the future—we live in the present. It is day by day that we work out our plans for the future; it is day by day that we achieve our goals. It is one day at a time that we raise and nurture our families. It is one day at a time that we overcome imperfections. We endure in faith to the end one day at a time. It is the accumulation of many days well-lived that adds up to a full life and a saintly person."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson • “Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread” • CES Fireside for Young Adults • January 9, 2011 • Brigham Young University

RANDO-MANDY-TY = Work Life and My Hair

This is just a completely random post...

I am still loving my job. Me and 14+ mostly married (and for the most-part TRAINED) boys? Um, yes. I like it. They know I'm a girl. They know to say things like:

"OH, you aren't wearing your glasses today. Are you wearing contacts? You look cute." or
"You dyed your hair. It looks nice." or
"I like the smell of your perfume."....

They also know that I like chocolate and I'm usually spoiled with it. And they know to compliment me when I've worked at losing some weight (yeah, I've lost 16lbs recently). And they buy me lunch sometimes. And they know that I thrive on "good job" compliments. I take care of them, they take care of me. :) It's great.

Yesterday at work, one of the guys went to Burger King and got a crown. He brought it back to work, wrote "Maintenance Princess Mandy" and told me I should wear it at Disneyland. I said "How about all day at work today instead?" And so I did. All day. :) People who came into the office asked if it was my birthday. I would smile and say "No." I'm sure they think I'm weird, but that's ok. I had fun. I like being the only girl in the department. :)

(my "Maintenance Princess Mandy" crown...)

Another RANDOM thing... I have a cute hair piece thing that makes my hair look like I spent time on it when really, all I did was pull my hair back into a pony tail / bun thing. And I love it. I've been wearing it a bunch lately. It matches my hair basically perfectly because I haven't dyed my hair lately and you can see my dark roots (haha) with the reddish hair. That's how my hair piece is too, so it's great. And I took pictures because (like my dad would say) I'm vain.

Haha, yep. So that's what I wanted to write about today.
Have a great one!
:) Mandy

If you really knew me...

My friend Michelle did an "If you really knew me" post where she listed things that people might only know if they really know her. I tend to like those type of posts where you can find out more about the person, so I thought I would give it a try as well...

IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME,
YOU WOULD KNOW THAT....

*Shel Silverstein is my favorite author.
*I have wore glasses since I was 8 years old.
*I am a very "obsessive" person.
*I am allergic to shellfish, but I avoid all seafood - just in case.
*I can make myself physically sick from worry / paranoia.
*I like to plan events, but don't actually like to attend them.
*I am a home-body.
*I love my job but hate that I have to work.
*I miss staying at home with my kids almost every single day.
*I wanted to be Belle at Disneyland when I graduated High School (heck, I still do!)
*I hate folding laundry and doing dishes by hand.
*I love to mow the lawn.
*I have a panic attack every time I have to drive in the snow.
*I am scared of really tall people.
*I think professional basketball players should never miss a free-throw (and I get really angry when they do).
*I enjoy watching football, but can't stand basketball.
*Dr. Mario on the original Nintendo is my favorite video game.
*I swear, but try to hold back because other people might get offended.

*I dye my hair every few months because I'm already going grey.
*I like to create spreadsheets in Microsoft Excel.
*I like boys (and being in the company of boys) more than girls.
*My favorite ice creams are all coffee-based.
*I love working with the kids in my church and would probably be inactive without them. I am there for them.
*I like to read unrealistic books (things that couldn't really happen).
*I like to listen to a lot of different types of music.
*I adopt people (and entire families) and claim them as my own.


OK - that's all for tonight. It's past my bedtime and I think my kids are all asleep now. If you do one of these lists, I would love to read it, so please let me know. :)

Trying...

You may or may not know that I struggle with depression. You may or may not know how I deal with said depression when I'm not medicated and in a "down" time. For some reason, I feel the need to explain. I found a blog that is EXTREMELY accurate (and kind of funny) in describing it. I think you should check it out by clicking on the picture below (taken from the blog). NOTE: It does have a little "offensive language"... You have been warned.

OR you can copy / paste this to your browser:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

ANYWAY,
It seems as though I'm in a down part of my emotional roller coaster and have been for a few months. I will probably be up again soon. See, the thing about me is that I have the tendency to pretend I'm fine. I have the ability to smile and go to work, even though I just want to be at home and sleep and / or cry (for no stinking reason!) I only go places when I feel that I have to - like some moral obligation to be there for some reason or some person. I feel sad, even though there is NOTHING to be sad about.


My behavior to those I care about is probably less than desirable. I go through the motions. I go to work. I smile at the guys. I make small talk. I come home and cook dinner and help with homework. I put the kids to bed. And then I stop. I just lay there and stare at nothing. Or I pass out and sleep. Or I cry (again, for NO stinking reason!) I avoid communication with "the outside world" and thanks to modern day technology, I can hide behind this lovely computer or thru texts on my phone. It's easier to pretend you are your "normal, happy self" when people don't see / hear you. I don't go out with friends. I don't go out with my husband when he's home. I don't go out with my kids. I hide. I withdraw from others. I shut down.

In the blog post linked above (and in every picture I've borrowed from her site), it shows how she beats herself up with words and gets mad at herself because she knows she's being stupid. Yep. I do that too. I know that I'm doing things that are probably upsetting others. But how do you say "I'm just sad right now.... It's not you, it's me.... I like being your friend, but I don't want to do anything right now..." And I do worry about it because I hate hurting people's feelings and not being there for them when they might need me, but I don't DO anything about it. Because then they want to talk to you about it and make you better but I don't want to talk about it because there is nothing TO talk about. Just feeling sad for no reason. If there was a reason, it would be SO much easier!!!

And if I'm around people I have to pretend I'm okay. And I do that all day at work and it's exhausting. So exhausting that there have been times at work where I can't hide it and everyone thinks I'm sick and they tell me to go home. So exhausting that I've worked it out in my head that I just need to quit my job so I can be at home and just sleep. All day. And I almost HAVE quit to do exactly that. Then my logical side kicks in and slaps me in the face and tells me to knock it off and deal with it.

It's not like I don't have good moments. There are some days / times where everything is just fine. There are some days / times that I have fun. There are moments that make me genuinely smile. There are times that I'm ok.

But lately, I've been avoiding everything I can. And I don't know how to (or am too proud to?) go into a doctor and say "I'm not ok. I'm exhausted. And I'm sad. And I'm pissing myself off because I'm not ok, exhausted and sad." Last time I was on medication, it was my kids' doctor who noticed. He said "How are YOU doing? You seem a little worn down." Then I told him that I had constant thoughts of everything that could go wrong with my kids, my life, etc. Panic Attacks. Yay. (Those are scary and painful, by the way.) And I took meds. And I was ok. I got sad, but I didn't have pain because of stupid thoughts (panic attacks are painful!) I was just sort of numb. And could function. Except when I got sad. But I was home with the kids and had no down time to be sad. But anyway, this isn't about panic attacks....

So don't be offended. It's not you, it's me. It's nothing you've done. It's me and my stupid head. It's me being selfish and dumb and weird. I love you and I'm sorry I'm not there for you. I know I'm not being a good friend / sister / daughter / religious person. I realize that it seems like I'm avoiding you (and truth be told, I might be), but it isn't BECAUSE of you. It's because of me. It's because I hate pretending. I hate being "fine". I hate lying. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't have anything TO talk about. Nothing in particular is making me sad. Just me. Being sad. Feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know what else to say, other than "I'm Sorry."
And I hope I'll be back to "normal" again soon.
Love,
Mandy

Dead Computer...

Not trying to go into hiding again... Robyn just fried our computer somehow (or at least we assume it was Robyn). But never fear - my friend Heather's husband Paul is an awesome computer guy and he's saving it! And he says that I will still have all my pictures and music (YAY!) so I shall resume blogging soon (I hope!)
Loves!

One (collage) photo for ya...

I promise... I'm gonna post a couple of blogs on the family (and hopefully even on THIS) blog in the next few days... I'm working on getting some awesome pictures together.... AND, since this is MY blog where I can be all about me, I give you a cute collage of "Smith Girls Day" (because I'm an adopted Smith, don't you know...)

Bad mood.

For some reason, I came home from work in a bad mood. And everything is driving me crazy. I have no idea why.

Upstairs neighbor kids and their friends were making paper airplanes and throwing them all over the yard and having a fantastic time doing so. Are they hurting anything? No. So why did I want to scream and yell and strangle them? No idea. I just made my kids go inside so I didn't have to sit outside.

Then I feed all 3 kids a different meal. Easy ones. Without really even talking to them. A bowl of cereal, a bowl of ramen and whatever Tanion had. Did I feed Tanion? Hell, I don't even know...

And I talk to my sister on the phone - who is sick with a nasty cold. She called to make sure I didn't care that she had a cold when she comes to watch my kids so that I could go to Bon Jovi on Tuesday. SO what do I do? Do I ask how Kaylee is doing with her cold and double ear infection? Nope. I lecture her on why she shouldn't be moving so quickly with her new boyfriend because I think she likes him because he doesn't care that she's still obsessive over Sean. Awesome, Mandy. Real supportive.

And THEN I tell the kids that they really need to clean their room cuz I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to yell at them (fair warning, right?) So I decided to throw in the whole "If you do, I'll take you to McDonald's Playland to play" - not thinking that they actually WILL clean their room and I'll have to follow thru. So what do they do? They freaking clean their room! And am I happy about it? NO! Now I have to go sit at McDonald's Playland by myself for the next hour.

SO all of these things that aren't bad (and are even actually kind of good) are making me angry. For no apparent reason. Which makes me even more angry...

***sigh***

Time to buck up and be my normally happy self and get me some McDonald's for dinner and watch the kiddos have fun. Maybe it'll cheer me up.

I want, I Want, I WANT!!!

I was feeling quite crappy this morning and called in sick. Around 10:30am, I started feeling better and decided to catch up my blog-surfing (and maybe even writing!)... A blog I follow mentioned this wonderful site: www.perpetualkid.com/

Here are some of the ever so delightful items you can find there...

SNOOPY SNO-CONE MACHINE

My Grandma Bagley had one of these at her house when we lived with her (so 1987/1988?). I LOVED this thing. And I want one ($16.99 ). My birthday IS coming up... Just sayin...

MONSTER HAND TATTOOS
How cool are these tattoos?!
Can't you just see my boys running around "eating" each other with their hand monsters? Awesome. :)

NinjaBread Men
Yes, please!
How cool are these cookie cutters?
My boys would LOVE it!

Smiley face ice cube tray

YAY! :) I'm all about smiley faces!!

And last, but absolutely in NO WAY least....

Mario Room Decals

Basically a giant sticker that you can put on your walls to make it look like the Super Mario video game. Someday, I will have these. You mark my words! Too spendy for me now ($70.00 for three 26"*40" sheets) but I will. When I can live in my whole house, there's gonna be a game room. And this will be my decor.

SO, have you checked out their site yet?
It's addicting!
Don't forget to click the link!!!
http://www.perpetualkid.com/

Hungry...

NOTE: This is not me.

This is my friend Beeno (aka Robyn) - when she was pregnant with TWINS. This is the picture I look at when I'm sad because she looks so stinking CUTE! and I love prego belly pictures. Doesn't she look like the happiest, most awesomely pregnant lady in the world? She's partially why MY baby is named Robyn, you know...

NOTE #2: I am not in any way, shape or form announcing a baby is in our future. We are done having babies. Now, you may continue reading...

NOTE #3: This post is basically, mostly for me. I just felt like writing while the hubby is playing video games...

So lately, I've been obsessed with Baby Bellys. I live in Provo where EVERY girl around me is pregnant. Honestly, it's true. In my Primary, I think all of our husband/wife teachers are pregnant right now with the exception of 1 (maybe 2) couples. My backyard neighbor is pregnant. My side neighbor just had a baby (like last week). My upstairs neighbor had her baby back in June, but she's still a baby! I have a whole bunch of friends on Facebook who are pregnant right now and I just keep going back to their page to look at their pregnancy pictures... (Yeah, it's bad...)

My baby is 3. She's my last. She's forever my baby. And while I'm happy to see her grow and happy to give away all of my 'baby' things and move on to life with older kids, I'm kinda sad.

I love being pregnant. It's the coolest thing in the world. You GROW an actual little person. You can feel them move inside you! Sometimes you can even see your stomach (and this little person) move from side to side and kick! And you get this awesome stomach that isn't a "Wow, you should lose some weight" stomach, but an "Aw! That's so cool, can I feel it?" stomach. And you get to think about baby names and plan for a baby room and get to be a center of all this excitement. Because you are growing a tiny person. The coolest little miracle ever. And I love it. Even the sickness, because you are sick for a reason. And that reason is amazing.

Another thing, I love babies (and I mean, come on, who doesn't!) I love to hold them and snuggle with them and to watch them eat and to hear them laugh and see them smile...... I just love the baby stage. And before you know it, they are crawling. And before you know it, they are walking, and running and talking back and getting too big!!! DANG IT! It is fun watching them discover all these neat things that they can do, but I love that baby stage.

**Sigh**

Jeremiah and I are done. He was ready to get 'fixed' after we had Robyn, but I was not sure. (I had this whole, 'but I feel like I have another baby out there' stage, but I got over that.) So I have some fantastic, no worries type birth control until after Robyn turns 5. Then we go from there (sorry if that is too much info...) but that'll probably just mean we try other birth control or have Jeremiah get 'fixed'. And, honestly, I'm okay with that. I'm perfectly happy with having 3 kids. But there is something in the air (or water!) here and it makes me want to have a baby again. And after checking out pregnancy pictures for the last 2 1/2 hours, it makes me crave it a little.... That and the fact that my kids are at Grandma Hardman's house for the weekend and I'm not having to constantly deal with drama and attitude the KIDS bring on - that might be a factor. :)

So for now, I'm just a little baby hungry... This, too, shall pass.

"Justin Bieber IS actually gay."

This is Justin Bieber.
And for some reason, I can't stand the kid.
It's nothing personal -
Heck, I don't even know why -
I just don't like him.
(for those of you who don't know, he's this little music star whom,
if I was like 20 years younger, I would probably be in love with - but I'm not.
I'm 30 years old and I can't stand him.)

So Tanion comes home from my friend Heather's house tonight and he's singing "Baby, Baby, Baby, OH" and I recognize it as an off-key version of a song by Justin Bieber. And I look at him strange. He says "What? It's just the 'Baby' song from Justin Bieber."

And me, being the person who is ANTI-BIEBER and hasn't listened to that song EVER by choice (and only partially once that I can think of on accident while at the skating rink), look at him and ask "Where did you hear that song? And how do you know who sings it?!"

He informs me that today at school was a talent show and he heard it TWICE. And now it's stuck in his head and he actually kind of likes it and he wants me to buy him the Kid Bop CD with that song on it. ("Remember, Mom? It's on that TV commercial and it goes, 'Baby, Baby, Baby, OH!'")

I tell him NO on the CD because I don't like Justin Bieber... And he asks why. I have no answer to that question, other than I just don't. Then he asks, "Is it because he's gay?" So I am FLAT-LINED at that. I have NO idea on how to respond or where he heard that or came up with that or whatnot... I kind of stumble over my words and he says "Cuz you know, Mom, Justin Bieber IS actually gay."

So, we all get in the car and I ask Tanion who told him Justin Bieber was gay. He says "Oh, Oliver said that he is gay" and I ask if Oliver (his little friend from school) said that HE is gay or that Justin Bieber is gay. He clarifies that Oliver said that Justin Bieber is gay and that Oliver would know because Oliver is smart and 'he knows that "Baby, Baby, Baby, OH" song'.

So I ask, "Do you know what gay means, buddy?" and he sits for a second and sort of ho-hums about a few things and gives up and says "No. Not really, I guess. What is gay anyway, Mom?"

So, my explanation was "Well, if someone is gay and they are a boy, it means that they like other boys and want to marry a boy. And if someone is gay and they are a girl, it means they like other girls and want to marry a girl." He sits there for a second and proclaims, "Well, Mom, I'm not gay. I want to marry Shandy and she's a girl." (haha!)

Then he asks why a boy would want to marry another boy... And I said 'some just do and that's okay because people should be happy and we should be nice to everyone'. Then I threw in that it's not nice to call people gay cuz it could make them sad or mad. He seemed happy with that little talk and ending and starting singing that darned "BABY" song again! (Dang you, Justin Bieber and your catchy little song!)

Is it weird that I'm having this discussion with my 7-year-old? I don't think I'm ready to talk about birds and bees and sexuality! YIKES! But I do hope he is tolerant and kind to others. I hope that he doesn't get into the labeling and the finger pointing. I hope he turns out to be a good boy who is nice to everyone. Regardless if they are straight, gay or Justin Bieber fans.

(And here's the darn video to that darn song - just in case you wanted to get it stuck in your head - even though I'm not going to listen to it or watch it... and you'll probably have to double click on the video to be able to see the whole thing..

Gratitude

Today is Thankful kind of day for me...

Today I read about 2 separate friends who have had some health scares with their new babies (and I can attest that nothing is more frightening for a parent than the thought of losing your little one.) I also have a friend who is going through a health scare of her own and feeling very lost and scared. I am so grateful for my health and the health of my family...

I was able to make it to Sacrament today. I forgot the peaceful feeling you can get from a meeting full of people sharing their testimony of God and Christ and the goodness in this world. A testimony is made from your faith, health, love, strength and everything else that makes you YOU - being tested. The choices you make when faced with crisis.

I am thankful for the trials (and the outcomes!) in my life. I am thankful for the choices that I have made when faced with many of those trials. And I am thankful for the people who have gone through those trials by my side and holding my hand.

You mean so much to me that I will never be able to thank you enough.

Loves, Mandy.

Blogging (or lack there of...)

Sorry, my few followers... I've not been blogging lately. Not sure why. I have a few excuses, but it basically works out to be that I've been tired and lazy... But no worries, life is good. Just busy.

Sorry. I'll try to be better.

Love, Mandy

Alona's Baptism

DarTanion is 7 years old. His friends are starting to turn 8 years old and getting baptized. I think he's getting excited / nervous / scared about his own baptism. :) We have had several talks over the last few months about what happens when you are baptized.

It was HER big day! :) Ms. Alona Bagley

My friend Heather's little girl (Alona) and DarTanion are great friends. Alona turned 8 years old in September and was baptized at the beginning of this month. DarTanion was really excited to go to her baptism. He wanted to be up front and center to see exactly what goes on. I was able to get a couple cute shots of her on her BIG day and I wanted to post them here to say how EXCITED we are for her to make such a great choice. :)

DarTanion and Alona - cute little friends :)

Alona with her Daddy (Paul) before going in the water

I love this family! :)
Abbi, Alona, Heather, Jesse, Kacen and Paul

Alona's Friends and Family who came to her baptism

My Childhood Sweetheart :)

Lately, I've been going through my house, my garage, the closets - basically everywhere - and organizing things. I'm trying to get rid of things and have less clutter in my life!

ANYWAY, I found this great picture. :) It's of me and my friend Jedd Shepherd. If you knew me growing up, you probably heard about my Jedd. :) We claimed each other as boyfriend / girlfriend from 2nd grade on. I would have other random boys here and there, but I'd always go back to "Jedd is my boyfriend". We actually ended up dating when we were Senior's in High School, but I (kinda sorta) cheated on him with Jeremiah. And I guess it worked out, so that's okay, right? And we're still friends cuz he's awesome that way....

ANYWAY, Long Story Short:

Here is the cute picture I found of Jedd and I back in 6th or 7th grade. And then another one of us together at his wedding back in 2008. Enjoy! :)

To busy or getting lazy?

So I haven't decided yet what's going on...

I've not been the mad woman that I was with checking blogs (like daily - more than once sometimes). Lately, I've only done it like once a week. And I don't really check all the one's I normally would. Just a few here and there. And I'm not always commenting.

And don't get me started on Facebook. This whole week, I've not really been on Facebook for more than - oh, maybe 10 minutes a day... You might think that's a lot still, but for me - that's nothing. That's a speck.

AND until yesterday, I hadn't uploaded the pictures from my phone to my computer for almost 3 whole weeks. Speechless? I know! Me, too!

So yeah, don't know if I'm 'too busy' or if I'm just getting lazy. Hope you are missing me!