Anxiety. And Poo.

If you know me (and chances are that if you read my blog, you do), you know that I have anxiety issues. All over the emotional (roller coaster) map of anxiety. Today, I've been okay and fine and bad. Right now, I'm beyond bad. Right now, I'm down right going insane.

Robyn threw up yesterday. Apparently twice while I was at church - but she seemed fine and ate and kept down her lunch so we decided to go to Heber. On the way to Heber, she puked up pretty much everything in her system (Sorry, I know this is gross). So we stopped at my mom's house, changed her into some clothes that my niece Kaylee has grown out of and headed up to Jeremiah's parents house. We ate lunch and during her mashed potatoes, she threw up again. She was acting like she was starving because she just kept eating. Yesterday, she was very poopy (like liquid poo) but not really wet.

All day today, Robyn has been liquid poo, no pee. Every diaper we check and every diaper, just liquid poo. She threw up once after she took her meds this morning. (BTW: Archer was throwing up this morning too, so we thought - flu bug). Then tonight right as she was starting to eat her dinner, she threw up again. Robyn's been really clinging and whiney but she will act like herself in spirts and then just whine...

So - all of this sounds familiar. (Need a refresher? Check it out HERE.) It's TOO familiar of when I thought she had a flu bug or something like pneumonia. Then I took her to the hospital and my life changed. HEART FAILURE. Life Flight. Primary Children's Hospital. Heart Specialists. PICU. Everything.

So today, I've tried to stay distracted. I've kept busy. I've gone to the library and found books and movies and cleaned and read and played online WAY too much. But now it's night. Jeremiah's watching his TV (and he's actually kind of worried too, but he has to be the voice of reason in this relationship). Kids are asleep (Robyn included). And I'm alone. With my thoughts. My bad, bad thoughts.

I'm panicking. I'm freaking out. I'm starting to arrange my life for the next 'hospital stay' and how I'm going to deal this time. I'm thinking of all the things I need to pack in a diaper bag and over night bag for the hubby so that he can take Robyn to the hospital to her specialists tomorrow because I can't. I freak out. I freak out, get sick and leave. I'm writing down all the bills that are going to need to be paid. I'm getting the Medicaid info together (hallelujah for Medicaid this *possible* time around!)

So you might be thinking - "Mandy, Calm down. There is a flu bug going around. You've been taking her more places, exposing her to more things, inviting more friends over. She was bound to get a flu bug and be sick for a few days." But you know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking - Okay, so I have to work in Archer's school on Wednesday, but luckily DarTanion will already be in school so I can go and do that, but I'm going to need a sitter for Saturday. I'm going to have to find time and gas money to make it down to SLC atleast on Thursday and Friday if I can. Then on Saturday afternoon / night maybe I can get someone to watch the boys and I can actually go down to SLC and spend the night at the hospital so that Jeremiah can come home and see the kids and do his thing and get a break from the hospital. Crap. I have sharing time on Sunday. Well, I'll have to get that covered just in case - or I can plan something just in case.

Yep. Those are the thoughts that just went through my mind. All because my baby hasn't had a pee diaper in a day and she's been throwing up. Aren't you glad you don't have Panic Attacks or an Anxiety problem? Yeah. I'm thinking tonight is a double dose of my Zoloft and depending on how tomorrow at the doctor (most likely), I'll probably need to start taking half a Xanex every other day or something.

Okay, so I had to vent because for some reason it calms me down and think that Jeremiah is sort of sick of hearing me freak out because it's came and went all day today. Hopefully this and some Nyquil (I have a cold, not taking it just for sleep reasons) will help me get through tonight without a breakdown.

Thanks for listening, blog world. I'll update you as soon as I know anything.